Feeling Calm vs. Being Regulated - Do you know the difference?

Recently, I have been looking back over some reports written about my son. I came across one that angered me as much today as it did 16 years ago when it was written. It was written by a pre-school SEND advisor who was assessing him. She noted that he was “calm and happy” in the setting.There were two issues with this comment.

Firstly he was in a room on his own with his two 1:1s, and secondly, she had taken it on face value and not considered masking, or what impact her assessment might have on him in the longer term.

Thankfully, the staff supporting him wrote in detail about his 3-hour meltdown the moment the “specialist” left. Sadly, this still happens today, as a friend of mine recently experienced when an observation was made of her son.

A professional told her that she had seen her son in the classroom and that he was calm and regulated. The problem was that her son wasn't actually regulated at all. Yes, he was calm. He felt safe in the presence of his class staff. But calm and regulated don't mean the same thing.

To be calm is to feel safe and not frightened or stressed.

To be regulated is to be able to use your brain for whatever task you want to, whilst feeling calm and not stressed. It's being able to make decisions from a position of strength and not simply reacting to everything that's happening around you because you brain is too full or too noisy to be able to work to its potential.

Calm and regulated are two very different things.

There are so many phrases that are all too common, including: 

"But they seem so calm in my classroom?"

"They're doing fine at school—no behavioural issues at all."

"Are you sure they're really struggling? They look perfectly normal to me."

Sadly, I am sure that many of you reading this will have felt frustrated, dismissed, or questioned your own observations after hearing statements like these. You're not alone.

There's a critical gap in understanding what it means to be calm vs. regulated.

Being calm in a setting is not automatically a sign that your child is able to function and complete tasks in that environment.

For more in depth help with ways to keep your child/teen regulated, check out our books below:

Parenting Rewired

Autism & Anxiety

Ultimate Teen Survival Guide

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